Tozier.net

Author: Bob Tozier

  • Fruit Flies

    All I’m saying is, the house doesn’t fill up with fruit flies when I buy cookies…

  • Narnia

    I asked the lion what he was doing in my wardrobe.

    He said Narnia business.

  • Sugar

    The doctor said my sugar was too high.

    When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it’s much more accessible now.

  • Can’t Even

    I asked my son why teenage girls always walk in groups of 3, 5, or 7. He said that is such an odd joke. I replied, No. It is because they literally can’t even.

  • Elevator

    My first experience using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.

  • Iron

    I apologize for my clothes being wrinkly. I am suffering from an iron deficiency.

  • Thanks for nothing, English

    Incapable = not capable.
    Inflammable = flammable.
    Invaluable = very valuable.
    Thanks for nothing English.

  • Fired

    I just got fired from my new job for asking customers if they preferred smoking or non-smoking…

    Apparently, the correct question at the funeral home is: cremation or burial.

  • Both

    I am both dumber and smarter than you think.

    Never estimate me.

  • Chip

    I was fired from Pringles. They said that l had a chip on my shoulders.