Tozier.net

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  • Nickel

    If I had a nickel for every math exam I failed, I’d have 43 cents.

  • Fridge

    Why is there No “D” in Refrigerator, Yet There is One in “Fridge”

  • Vivaldi

    I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.
    I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?”
    She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“

  • Idiot

    If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

  • Problems

    Problems my generation were told to fear that were way overblown:
    • Quicksand
    • Getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle 

    Problems no one ever warned us about:
    • Arguing with robots over “unexpected item in bagging area” 
    • Remembering 147 passwords

  • Tossed and Turned

    I ate a rotisserie chicken and a salad for dinner.

    I tossed and turned all night.

  • Spiders

    Imagine if spiders screamed when you found them!

  • Arm and Leg

    I ACCIDENTALLY PAID FOR MY MEAL with my organ donor card.

    My dinner cost me an arm and a leg.

  • Scandinavian

    I have been working on a Scandinavian joke.

    It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now, there is just Norway.

  • Apple Seed

    Just choked on an apple seed.  This is what I get for trying to eat healthy.

    Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups don’t pull this nonsense.