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I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person.
My whole life I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.

Got up this morning and couldn’t decide which pants to wear…smarty or fancy…

if you wanna be happy, don’t be sad. Follow me for more motivational quotes

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a…

…brief case.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success” 🐻

I was afraid I’d lost my sense of humor but it was just an irony deficiency

The doctor said my sugar was too high.

When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it’s much more accessible now.

My donkey had a fever, so I took him to the EEEEEE RRRRER.

Not to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model.

They used me as the “before” picture.