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Cop pulls me over 

Cop: Your license says you should be wearing glasses? 

Me: I have contacts. 

Cop: I don’t care who you know!

It’s alright if you don’t know what a prefix means. It’s not the the end of the word.

IF WATCHING ‘THE WIZARD OF OZ’ ON AN absolutely GIGANTIC screen has you freaked out, well…

Sphere no more!!

I woke up laughing today.

Must have slept funny.

I used to work at the circus. I was a human cannonball until they fired me.

I just started a business building yachts in my attic…

…Sails are going through the roof!

If you see a road sign that says “Survey Crew Ahead” they are not actually interested in your opinion I know that now..

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person.
My whole life I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.

Got up this morning and couldn’t decide which pants to wear…smarty or fancy…

if you wanna be happy, don’t be sad. Follow me for more motivational quotes