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I woke up laughing today.

Must have slept funny.

I used to work at the circus. I was a human cannonball until they fired me.

I just started a business building yachts in my attic…

…Sails are going through the roof!

If you see a road sign that says “Survey Crew Ahead” they are not actually interested in your opinion I know that now..

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person.
My whole life I thought he was just a theoretical physicist.

Got up this morning and couldn’t decide which pants to wear…smarty or fancy…

if you wanna be happy, don’t be sad. Follow me for more motivational quotes

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a…

…brief case.

I love the phrase “bear with me” because it either means “be patient” or “the zoo heist was a success” 🐻

I was afraid I’d lost my sense of humor but it was just an irony deficiency