One Liners – Tozier.net

Universal

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. (Not even remotely.)

I saw a chameleon today… obviously, not a good one.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel everyday.

METEOROLOGISTS HAVE WEIGHED RAINBOWS AND FOUND OUT… THEY’RE PRETTY LIGHT.

Whoever decided to put a “p” in “receipt” was an idiopt.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something, please let me know.

The other people in this yoga class act like they’ve never seen anyone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a fanny pack before.

The meaning of opaque is unclear to me…

It turns out Bigfoot costumes are surprisingly realistic at 1:00am around the bonfire of a party I wasn’t invited to.

If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun