Category: Dad Jokes

Coin

Whoever came up with“a penny for your thoughts”, “don’t nickel and dime me”, and “another day another dollar”sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Steak

I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on how I cooked his steak. Getting a “Well done” from a Medium is rare.

Tour Bus

A tour bus going to Elvis’s Graceland mansion has crashed. No one injuries, but the passengers were all shook up.

Rain

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Fire

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. ~ Fire Marshall Bill

Vivaldi

I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?”She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“

Arm and Leg

I ACCIDENTALLY PAID FOR MY MEAL with my organ donor card. My dinner cost me an arm and a leg.

Scandinavian

I have been working on a Scandinavian joke. It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now, there is just Norway.

Apple Seed

Just choked on an apple seed.  This is what I get for trying to eat healthy. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups don’t pull this nonsense.