Tozier.net
There are two words that’ll open a lot of doors for you in life. Push and pull. 
What do you call a fake potato? An imitator
If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun
Nothing embarrasses, psychics more than throwing them a surprise party
Whoever came up with “a penny for your thoughts”, “don’t nickel and dime me”, and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better. That’s how eye roll.
I have a pet Manatee named Hugh. I built him a house. It’s a habitat for Hugh Manatee.
If I had a nickel for every time I used algebra in real life, I’d have x nickels.
Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars. It’s the bear minimum.
I can’t believe thy someone broke into my house and stole my fruit. I am peachless